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Putting Your Affairs In Order...
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor,
after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things
aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.' After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends,
who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking
to her impending end.
'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast and
gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
That's
'Putting Your Affairs In Order.
The scene is Bishoploch Primary School , Glasgow . Teacher: 'Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're
going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come
back to school until Tuesday.' Wee Murray thinks, 'Ya beauty! I'm pure dead brilliant at general knowledge, so I
am. This is goannae be a doddle!' Teacher: ' Right class, who can tell me who said. ' Don't ask what our
country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?' Wee Murray shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air.
Teacher looking round picks Farqhuar Fauntleroy at the front. Yes, Farqhuar?' Farqhuar (in a very English accent): ' Yes
miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960.' Teacher: 'Very good Farqhuar. You may stay off Friday and
Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday.' The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Murray is even more
determined. Teacher: 'Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them
at sea. But we will never surrender?' Wee Murray 's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting 'I know, I know.
Pick me Miss, pick me Miss'. Teacher looking round and picks Tarquin Smythe, sitting at the front: 'Yes Tarquin.'
Tarquin (in a very, very posh English accent): 'Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain
speech.' Teacher: 'Very good Tarquin, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday.' The
following Thursday comes around and Wee Murray is hyper; he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for
anything that comes. He's coiled in his chair, dribbling in anticipation. Teacher: 'Who said 'One small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind?' Wee Murray 's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and
down screaming 'Pick me miss. Pick me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee'. Teacher looking round the
class picks Rupert, sitting at the front. 'Yes, Rupert?' Rupert (in a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English
accent): 'Miss, that was Neil Armstrong, 1969, the first moon landing.' Teacher: 'Very good Rupert. You may stay off
Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday.' Wee Murray loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and
throws his chair at the wall. He starts screaming: 'WHERE THE F --- DID ALL THESE ENGLISH B@ST@RDS COME FROM?' Teacher spins back round from the blackboard and shouts: 'Who said that?' Wee Murray grabs his
coat and bag and heads for the door, 'Robert the Bruce, Bannockburn, 1314. See ye on Tuesday Miss!'
Subject: Dwarf Story
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and are
ushered in to see the
Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Grumpy
asks, "Excuse me your Holiness but are there any dwarf
Nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a
Moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs
start giggling. Grumpy
Turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any
dwarf nuns in
all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
answers,"No,Grumpy, there
are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once
again,Grumpy turns around
and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns
anywhere in the
world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my
son,there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their
cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
Mills & Boon
Extract from the Latest Mills and Boon Novel...With writing like this there really is no need for pictures...
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was
full of that earthy, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and a quiet whispering
of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene. We lay there, both naked. I knew
I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved to a position of
dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching
organ. I moved slowly at first inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then as the tension
rose, we threw caution to the wind and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced,
she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself ending
it all too soon. As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold
out any longer. Finally, the moment we had been building up to was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly
we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun inched into the darkness of
approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassuringly
how good she had been.
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear then whispered, ‘Baaaaaaa’
and rejoined the flock.
This book is only for sale in New Zealand, Australia, Wales and to
Aberdeen Supporters
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